Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
