god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
