ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize
