My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....