Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
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Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
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things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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