You made me cry and you don't even care
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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