His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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