Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Randomize
