i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
