Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
