So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
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My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
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I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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