i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
