I can text with my tongue
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
