dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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