I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
