If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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