You smell like stripper and shame
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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