I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
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I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
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I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I think my moral compass just broke
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