Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
