shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
