Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
