It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
