I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
