We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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