The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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