just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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