I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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