we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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