I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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