Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
