I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
