when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
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