I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
