I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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