He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
