You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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