what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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