8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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