boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
