a search helicopter?!
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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