Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
A bitchslap is in order.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
