I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
