how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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