Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
