How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
