remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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