I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Randomize
