got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
