Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
