life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
