why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
