1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
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The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
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THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT