I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
