You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
