Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
