You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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