I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I need to wash the frat house off of me
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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