I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
