When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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