Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
