Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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