Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
